Providence of freedom... “Just a struggle in your mind to keep your soul”

Sometimes a dream seems so real that you actually believe the memories of that dream... but when you wake up you are reminded of the degree of freedom uninhibited by the providence of that dream. From there, you remember the details and suddenly you realize that faith only in part determines your existence, and it is the power of your choice – to remember, to live, and to hope – that determines the eventual worth of your life.

I dreamt last night that I was back in the military again. I was in my green camouflaged uniform issued during basic training and assigned on a day duty at a store on base. At first I couldn’t recognize the base and I couldn’t tell what I was doing there except to simply be there. But as the day came to a conclusion, and I was relieved of my duties, I walked pass familiar surroundings. I saw myself holding up a duffle bag in front of me, on my first day of basic training, sweat dripping down the side of my face.

Funny, I don’t remember being tired...

I saw my drill instructors screaming into my ear, taking turns to question my self-worth in almost a choreographed way... I saw myself following instructions, collecting my initial issued items, desperately trying to fit all of the gears into a standard size duffle, and trying as hard as I can to keep pace so I can get on that cow-truck to go “down range...”

I walked pass myself, because it was the end of my duty day, I didn’t even give my exhausted self-reflection a second look...

I walked pass the area where it was forbidden to basic-trainees, where the commissary was...

I headed out to the base’s main gate. I can look beyond the fences and see myself marching with my platoon early in the twilight... I saw myself hunched over, carrying my rucksack on my back, hunched over with my M4 in hand cleverly lodged onto my belt to relieve some of its weight on that 25 mile hike...

I turned my head, looked away. I was focused on getting pass the main gate, because it was the end of my duty day...

I can see the small opening in front of me. I can see the landscape beyond the army base littered with trash and bodies... I see that small boy, whose parents were killed in a mortar attack, who followed me the entire day and never smiled once.

I saw him walking aimlessly, looking at the bodies littered outside, looking for his parents perhaps.

I tried to walk out the front gate, to help him. I tried to walk pass the opening to leave behind the memories... a gush of wind picked up, and somehow directly funneled against me through the front gate... I lowered my head, held on to my field cap, and walked painfully against the wind.

I woke up in a panic. Have I left the military? Have I left the providence of death and resurrection? Have I shed the tears for my friends whose souls are kept in the flow of Tigris?

I recently resigned from The American Legion. On some level I resigned because I needed to put that part of my life behind me, and look forward to the days yet to come – to the struggles of freedom from providence.

But when I sit and recollected my memories of my time with the Legion, I can’t help but think of the moments that defined my life: saving Jim’s life on the road, getting my citizenship, transforming the Legion’s proud tradition into a digital landscape...

Have I tossed what was supposed to be my fate with The American Legion for the uncertainties of freedom?

Then I woke up from my dream...

what a stupid question to ask... sometimes a dream has that effect on a person, making truth out of nothing and setting a path of illusion...

I am glad I chose freedom over providence... I am happy to have been part of The American Legion as it takes a step into its own future... but now, I have to follow my own dreams... I have to look beyond the front gate, and discover my own memories yet to come...